Work in progress.

From Word

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 07:07:22 GMT

Hi!
I’m going to cut down on internet so im typing this beforehand on Word.

Hmm, so. Oya! I went for Chingming (visiting graves) yesterday! Was my first time since I left for Singapore. I mostly had to do sai kang and clean the graves with our meagre supply of tools (SOMEBODY forgot to bring the cangkul baskkket) – my step great grandmother in particular was buried at the summit of that huge-ass hill of graves.

A year of active denudation covered the grave front with like 5 inches of dirt that we had to claw away (literally, in Ngee Wei koko’s case) before uncles proceeded with the burning and johstick stuff. (no disrespect here obviously – theyre MY relatives, but I don’t quite grasp the significance etc etc.) We added tremendously to the afterlife realm’s massive hyperinflation.

Inflation is defined as the sustained increase in the general price level. I think. And prices are more or less determined by an interaction of supply and demand. From what I’ve seen they got a hell a lot of gold there. WAIT. WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT.

Er. When I die, I want to be cremated. And my phosphorus emission recycled for fertilizer. Haha no la. My ashes would be carefully stored in an airtight jar and buried in the garden which I WILL have next to a handsome tree (details yet to be determined) next to where my dog is buried. I choose this cos it seems a nice way to bury myself without using up a whole grave’s worth of space on some hill and its got a dash of romance in the way its done too. I think. My dog has no choice in the matter. Just his luck. But he owes it to me for the mileage ive clocked up walking him baily. (bi-daily)

Speaking of luck, I got lucky later that day! After we had dinner at Wok & Pan (OMG Drooool) we went to Tescos to buy some stuff. When we were at the Haircare section there was this competition that you could enter as long as you buy some Sunsilk products (silky smooth!)that had nothing to do with shampoo at all. You had to like take a bunch of irregular magnetic shapes and assemble all of them to form the different shapes that the attendant asks for, in 30 seconds! Lucky she gave me time to try try and warm up before starting out. In a while I finished all three stages and I won a PANASONIC HAIRDRYER! Worth 100 bucks plus! (to be mailed to me in 20 working days) Holy cow! Damn cool right omg! Sunsilk is definitely my best friend now.

No wait. THIS is my best friend. Create a character and challenge him!

http://jerkyderk.mybrute.com/

Have fun!

kena own

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 12:35:09 GMT

RIP

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 13:18:58 GMT

I really think that I will die early. And depressed.

And of COURSE im just kidding.

Important!

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 03:59:06 GMT

Eat free range chicken!

Yes I watch American Idol

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 14:08:38 GMT

I. Retract. ALL my doubts about Adam Lambert.

Was amazing.

Retarded

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 14:03:36 GMT

FACEBOOK. WHY??!!?

Live live live in your own world.

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 16:27:57 GMT

Today in church Uncle Phillip gave a pretty insightful talk on 1 Kings. I thought it was good!

"Go, tell Jeroboam that this is what the Lord, the God is Israel, says; ' I have raised you up from among the people and made you a leader over my people Israel. I tore the kingdom away from the house of David and gave it to you, but you have not been like my servant David, who kept my commands and followed me with all his heart, doing what is right in my eyes." (1 Kings 14:7-8)

For those who were there haha we know that you could extract a lot of meaning out of this two verses already but what kinda struck me was what Uncle Phillip said about mm. How the wrong that Jeroboam did was not only inherently to be found in his deeds themselves(straying from God's commandments etc) but kinda aggravated by the fact that he did so in spite of the fact that God has put him in a position where i suppose, there is a lot of potential and influence to do His will. (Being King and all that)

Stretching this to do our current day context, Uncle concluded that by when we are given privileges or any kind of talents (as he put it) it is in fact our responsibility to utilize these for His "glory". To recognize your an asset that you might have and yet leave it untapped would then be a kind of sin of ommission.

Hmm. It does seem logical to me and does corroborate with some other excerpts of scripture - (i cant be specific im afraid im kinda bad at quoting off my head still - something needing improvement) there was something about the parable/analogy of the servants that the master gave money (talent/blessing/ability) to. The dude who buried (hence not making full use of it) his money was rebuked and his money taken away and given to the dude who made the most out of it. See? Link right. Haha.

The implications are that as part of our ministry we ought to try out best to discover ourselves and what we might have to offer back to God. But i think what can be added unto this is that people ought to in fact not only look at themselves and see what they can offer but in fact keep notice of others and have a humble heart to recognize what God has given others but not to ourselves. This point about focusing on maximizing the ability of OTHERS is something that to me is even more in line with the spirit of what we are as Christians or human beings, in fact, are called to, so to speak.

While it is good to search ourselves and see what we have to offer (and the focus will help us when we try to develop ourselves too), i think a preoccupation with "oh what is it about me, what can i do, what can i offer, what do i have" has far too many "I's" and has to be balanced with a GREATER emphasis on being sensitive and accomodating to others. An open recognition of the status of your brothers and sisters as God's children is a very heartening thing. After all, we shouldnt be surprised if there are people among us who are shy or hesitant about self advertisement or anything - it does somehow seem tantamount to being a selfish thing - sure, it isn't when you're doing it for your Father's sake and not your own, but hey, honestly speaking how do we ever know that we aren't thinking about our own egos at some point in time.

Ahhh such a long post.

Hell-o.

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 13:13:28 GMT

HELLO!

The great thing about internet stuff is that you can leave it for dead half a year and come back and it works FINE!
Ah ok I'm back. To freshen things up I wanted to delete all my old posts kinda actually but there doesn't seem to be a way to do that except press delete manually on each page. I don't have time for that! So I changed the background and layout. But then again the choices are very limited. Alright.

Between then and now I have done the following.

1. Took my 'A' Levels.
2. Wrapped up my Singapore life and left.
3. Lived in Malacca for a few months now.
4. Gone back to Singapore for a while.
5. Become acquainted with the 102-C asylum.
6. Took my A level results.
7. Applied to HKU, NUS and NTU.
8. Post again on my blog.

Splendid!

BUSINESS TIME

Fri, 17 Oct 2008 13:06:29 GMT

Hey. Check this out.

It's biznezz time.

Faring well

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 07:03:31 GMT

I haven't been and I dont think I will be posting a lot. If it counts! I blog in my head, or sometimes with a real friend or two. A lot of the things I want to say, very often are um, disconcerting? things, so maybe it's a good thing If i can expend/purge these thoughts and feelings fast enough that by the time I reach a computer, they become redundant. In that way, it's good right? Yes, I want to see things positively from now on, If I can.

If i were to reminisce about my JC life, i think it would, be a lot of melancholy, with flashes of joyful experiences, but with all of it having meaning in itself. Still, a hugely important part of it isn't over yet, and an assessment today will be an incomplete one.

What really made me post today isn't that but the practically perfect night I had last night. I don't say perfect in the absolute sense of the word, but just that all things considered, I don't see how realistically things could have been better. Last night was my last (really, the last) hostel farewell party. Friday's ceremony at school was alright I guess and madam damo brought us over to british club to eat. The only problem with it was mine alone, in that I could not escape the ambivalent feelings that have been with me so long, to truly enjoy myself.

Now, on to last night.

Dressing up - brazenly retarded (therefore fun)
Food - Auntie Christine's Jap buffet with salmon sushi etc etc in huge huge huge amounts wah wah wah
Performances - GREAT! The juniors really put in heck a lot into it was worth it although a lot were pretty long.
Dance - SUPER IMBA we could finally translate our ASEAN dance madness to hostel life will never get to party 3 meters away from Brother Paul again. (he didn't dance, though! Just stood at the side to make sure we didn't overdo it, i think!)
Happy time - =)))))

"....... In my opinion, we human beings aren't really BORN able to love and appreciate real relationships straight away. How many of you have been rude and ungrateful to your parents and family, when you were young? I think that the reality is that we have to learn, how to love and how to truly appreciate the dynamics that will drive a meaningful life. It is in that sense that I am grateful for everything that has happened here, whether ostensibly bad or good, because of the lessons that I have learnt. Without learning them I could not have made that transition from child to adult (or maybe something closer to adult) and really become true friends with those true friends I have today......."

-CJC Hostel Lounge, 11th October 2008.

I love the hostel, because it's so full of a culture of humility. I think that's crucially important, you know, because without it the kind of fun you will always have is the exclusive, we're the cool and fun people gang kind of fun, where the smaller people get left out. I think I have a better idea of why Jesus kept talking about humility now, because I think he was thinking about the WORLD (meaning everyone, meaning no one left out) and its only by being humble that EVERYONE can live together in real peace.

Testimonial match, 4:30 pm tomorrow!

COUNT. DOWN.

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 14:50:27 GMT

Life is full of deadlines. Tomorrow is one. 30th October is another. 24th November is another. And after that?

In a way i appreciate deadlines and in a way I don't.
Psychologically, deadlines are useful in pushing you to FINISH THINGS like what is happening now. Our efficiency tend to rise as we approach exams, etc. But i'm getting pretty sick of reaching deadlines and realising, oh shit, i'm gonna stressed again because like the twenty thousands time before I forgot to prepare properly. And the worst part is that you still don't learn after that.

how about that.

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 13:48:02 GMT

Ostensibly, the all enveloping power of examinations have stirred up mother nature herself!

Many strange insects have been appearing lately, the very strange, medium size kind that makes justin squeal. But more importantly, there has been a CAT around too! An extremely woe begone creature! If i see it again maybe i will take a photo of it. It chooses to appear around night time, and seems so sullen.

The cats around Singapore are a lot more easy to get along with than those in Malaysia. In Singapore they don't run away all the time and you can get up to them and exchange looks, you know. Communicate. Back home theyve been conditioned differently and run away really fast.

I miss hanging out with animals. In the hostel you can't have any pets.

I have things in my head maybe i want to blog. Serious stuff. Not now though.
Exams are over.. !

Another blog post.

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 12:40:42 GMT

If you ever get a corn, tell me about it and I will lend you some of the Taito Corn Removal Solution (made in Japan!) I bought today for the corn on my big toe, as soon as it dawned on me that ignoring it does not make corns go away.

I'm offering it to everyone not only because I'm exceedingly generous (it cost EIGHT BUCKS A BOTTLE), but that it expires by October next year, and I'm not so optimistic about being able to use this again (it took me 17 years plus of living to get my first real corn) might as well let other people use (I cant use it for anything else! Cockroach poison?!) , although we believe in miracles and who knows?

For example, today Karan somehow got me to play basketball with him and his random friends although I had no footwear and I just bathed and I got exams tomorrow etc. If any of you all know what the CJ courts are like, you'll know that you cannot play barefoot on it, because everytime you stop quickly your foot will ouch ouch ouch and develop blisters. Which it has. So now I have blisters.

Inspired by the Mcdonalds lunch meal priced at four-fifty we saw in toa payoh today, (it's a full meal with GOLDERN FRIES), I made a joke.
I know most people wouldn't want to hear it so you can choose to I said, Now i have a blister meal with a side of corn.
Laugh.
So anyway, I got paper 4 lit tomorrow and It kinda sucks. People think Lit is very fun with all the sex in it, buts its not the sex! It's SO MUCH MORE.
No la, actually I like lit, only i don't like the exams a lot.

haha!

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 13:56:26 GMT

ahAHHAhaHa! i love the good old days! here's an extract from my convo with dipan the exclassmate.

dipan says:
i still remember calling ur name during geog when u slping
dipan says:
then u wake up look around
dipan says:
super pissed off and go back to slp
Ngee Derk says:
hahahaha'
Ngee Derk says:
HAHAHHAHAJAHAHAhAhah
Ngee Derk says:
LOL

A blog post.

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 13:17:18 GMT

Mannzz...

I have a lot of things in my head, and I want to post out something very serious. The thing is as I think very hard about things like that, I tend to kind of exhaust it internally already, that by the time i get to a computer it's like I don't know - i just can't post. the worst kind of writer's block.

Anyway, here is a lowdown of prelims phase 1.

KI paper 1 - Not so bad, certainly better than mid years, but that was a subpass! Reasonably stable but as always, it's pretty hard to predict.
Economics 2 - AAAALAMAK!!! damnnn sian! i had every time i close my eyes playing in my head the whole time - harmonics felt like a voodoo trance when mixed with econs essays. a bit screwed up! questions were tough i felt as if i studied hard but there's like no point.
Lit 1 - what?
History - OK. time management problem THERE WAS NO CLOCK IN THE ROOM I LOST TRACK AND SPENT 1 HOUR FOR SBQ. But managed to salvage it ok - some essays could have been better should be passable tho.

Wishful thinking drives the world.
I will work hard from now on. Maybe i'd be better off not thinking about things for a bit - if it takes me away from the single mindedness that we need to get things done.

The Happy Life

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 10:58:23 GMT

We've all been looking for happiness, what does this video say to you?

Determination

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 15:16:33 GMT

Kenji's shady allusions prior to my shower was enough to put me on guard, and when the camera appeared I was ready to swat it away. Before I could congratulate myself on successful deterrence, a cascade of cold water from the buckets proved me wrong.
Now the noobs posted it on the hostel blog.

MORE IMPORTANTLY,
Today revealed a number of things to me, but what I think worth sharing is that today I will start my CHIONG/PIA/CRAMMING/KENCANG regime. History, IS, LIt, ECOns MATHS!! For a person who deems himself to be driven by purpose, I have to be honest in saying at least in certain departments ive been not driven enough for long enough. *coughcoughH1MATH*
It's not hard for a rational (or irrational) person to find a number of reasons why I should be COMPLETELY FOCUSED from this second onwards, it's all there and I need to put myself to it now.

The one less travelled by

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 14:19:41 GMT

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Walk down that lonesome road all by yourself
Dont turn your head back over your shoulder
And only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon
Is shining high above the trees

If I had stopped to listen once or twice
If I had closed my mouth and opened my eyes
If I had cooled my head and warmed my heart
Id not be on this road tonight

Carry on

Never mind feeling sorry for yourself
It doesnt save you from your troubled mind

Walk down that lonesome road all by yourself
Dont turn your head back over your shoulder
And only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon
Is shining high above the trees
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in the woods
I took the one less travelled by
And that has made all the difference

- Robert Frost (The Road not Taken)

What kind of difference did he mean?

SGC for the win

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 14:04:18 GMT

CCA 1: Life

Ngee Derk was a good good boy who did paid attention in class, never pon school and punctuality was his middle name. He always used the toilet properly and even flushed toilet bowls he didnt use if he saw there was something in it. He once helped a guy who got stuck in the cubicle when the door broke.

Yucky.

Sublime!

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 01:50:33 GMT

I am standing on the brink of something, mixing and munching feelings that come and go.
No amount of preparation could have prepared for this - the sudden removal of things and the ubiquity of the fog that is starting to descend. Granted, though that obviously this isn't the end, but we have to let go of the mountain that we've been climbing, whether or not we've climbed it well or not. It is a different track that we face now, and it will take a while to get used to to new footing, i think.
I wonder if the others wonder too, what now and what the future holds for us.

Week 2, Mid year Holidays.

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 15:21:49 GMT

LTC is over and here I am just in time for.. NBA FINALS 2008!! - of course, as usual there's no TV so I don't get to watch.
Aiyo. The terms and conditions forgot to state that living under scholarship meant no cable TV, no more liverpool, no more Lakers, no more Kobe. Meh

:(

There must be some other way to stave off the proverbial holiday sluggishness. I've got ideas - maybe go visiting some houses, maybe start knitting,maybe playing ball at a community centre, maybe study. Oh my. But for now I'll just start posting again.

LTC was the highlight of my week - being pretty much the only thing that happened for me this week. My group was a nice bunch and it was nice to see the realizations that took place in some over those days - no matter who you are, if you are willing you can make a difference. It was an interesting paradigm shift to be an LTC facil, it's not always through action that you can be the most effective, sometimes the right thing to do is to step back. It was great to meet a whole bunch of new friends, j1s and alumni councillors.

Mid years are looming around the corner and the stack of dusty notes on the shelf needs to be attended to. Is 2 weeks too little time?

Come on, work work work, work and achieve something. Dumbo.

mind over body?

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 13:46:13 GMT

In this post, I'll be referring mainly to myself. I rather not actually, but in other to express the issue that raise in my mind recently I can only do as an extension of my experiences and so, I'll naturally need to refer to myself. But this post is about sharing something with you in case you might be interested in reading it, it might possibly be relevant because while we are greatly diverse and different beings, our lives still intersect in many similar ways so that it might not be uncommon to find similarities between us, so what I am going through might be the same for you too, and what I am thinking might have some relevance to you. This post will lack the fluidity and lucidity of a proper exposition, because its all running off the top of my head, so I hope you'll bear with it. And yeah, it's long, i think.

Normally the biggest things that strike me in a day are things that make me feel depressed.
Objectively speaking it's not exactly that my life is as steeped with negativity as you might think, (or as I might occasionally feel myself) but I have to be fair to the exceedingly good people that have a presence in my life, and are perceptive to notice the need for some positive intervention and are kind enough to go out of their way to actually do something all in spite of the fact that they most probably are not without their own problems.

I have my share of issues, I think, but while they aren't insignificant it just won't do to allow these things to get in the way of doing what I'm supposed to be doing to the best of my effort and ability. I'm not tireless, but in the aftermath of things I am always dogged by the realization that the extent of our human capacity extends far beyond that which I have managed to achieve, irregardless of the recognition or the congratulations involved. It is not beyond me to admit that it has not been uncommon for me to be diminished by some problem or another which either stems from some physical impediment, or something emotional or psychological, which is more abstract in a sense that it requires more lengthy explanation, but is no less real than the former and in fact are in some ways far worse.

I can reconcile myself with falling sick, or getting tired - but what I find harder to deal with is the frustration that I feel when confronted with emotional problems. People who know me well will also understand that for all the uncertainty that undercuts whatever aspects of my personality ( meaning that some things about me aren't so clear cut), it is clear that as a person I (and here I am making an analysis of myself, and even expressing it even - how self indulgent can you get!) care exceedingly over whatever it is I deem as critically important and when such things are compromised even the interjection of reason seems insufficient to prevent myself from falling into what I might call, a semi-productive state ( not that I can't contribute, but that i am aware that my contributions are diminished) .

It is exactly this, that the interjection of reason has not become sufficient to avoid being overcome emotionally, leading to a compromise in my ideals, which by nature makes demands of me.

Side note: Please don't misunderstand me, I am not adverse to emotions at all, only that I believe that being motivated by emotions alone is drastically insufficient to live a properly moral life. Our actions need to be guided by reason and rationality, like Senor Catholic Priest guy said today during SD, which is one of the things I agree with him about. As such, I am appalled of the moments when emotions take centrestage because it might lead to a compromising of a boy already trying (and failing most of the time) to conduct himself in a morally just way.

It probably follows that I am in need of some maturity in this department ("maturity" being a vague idea that i'll need to think about more) but either way, I will continue to try and investigate my own life and the lives of others to try and itch out this possibility of free will and maybe turn my belief in the autonomous and free human being maybe a little bit more into a conviction, which is the way that it seems from I cling so fiercely to it.

Courage is borne out of fear

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 13:02:22 GMT

I was just thinking about something Siow siow said to me the other day :

No la it can't be! You're so brave there's no chance that you were shaking up there.

Some paraphrasing done here - Suyi's excitable English is esoteric in nature.

She was talking about the other day when I went up to ask the secretary of MFA dude during his talk thingy in the PAC. As i spoke into the mike, it didn't help that I was awkward with the orientation of the mike stand, which was of an inappropriate height or that for some reason or another, my whole body began shaking violently for more than ten seconds, causing the fabric of my clothes to make waves that were visible to the people behind me, such that they brought it up to me later on.

Of course, it didn't help that I wasn't really wholehearted in going down there : I was merely the receiving end of the arrowdynamic process that was initiated by some teacher and went through several parties before reaching me, which meant that I got arrowed to ask a question so that at least the speaker is occupied. It didn't help that I was pretty bad sick with an impending fever too and my mind felt dulled out.

Being myself, I couldn't do much to resist piong's insistence that I had to ask something, and so I conjured up something meaningful to ask, (or rather, mumble) to the guy.

I felt somewhat embarassed from what my body decided to do in view of half the J2 cohort, but what I was thinking about when I heard her comment was well, about how inaccurate it was and how it is true that most people judge courage in a way that congruent to hers.

I say that a courageous person is not a person who does things that he is used to and hence does not fear, but a person who does things that he or she feels is right even in spite of the overwhelming fear of doing it.

Courage is not a person who doesn't tremble, but a person who dares to put himself into a situation where he would tremble.

Out to play on a rainy day

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 13:32:27 GMT

i was thinking today and I remembered, what I used to think and want when I was still little, a little frustrated kid skimming the edge of what I wanted to be and constantly on the brink of being what I didn't, but couldnt help being. \

It's an overwhelming feeling to realize that, at this point of time, you're supposed to have become (or achieved... both) what you've always wanted to be, and what gained what you thought were the missing pieces in finally putting yourself into balance, rest, contentment, equilibrium BUT you know that if anything more and more is missing and what you are now wishes you were what you used to be.

So where do we go from here?

The accumulation of one's knowledge only leads to an increasing awareness of the extent of the person's ignorance.
The pursuit of selflessness leads to twofold disappointment, that the world around you does not care for it at all, and that you fail in doing so yourself. You lets yourself down and everybody else too.

Pain is completely normal, uncertainty is inherent and the notion of meaningless progressively appears more and more of a reality, as life progresses.

My heart cries out for that picture, that maybe it'll take me in, back to the times when maybe I never thought about things like these, and the problems - things that I lacked were solvable and my own dreams were things that I could achieve. There was something about tomorrow that you could hope for and know you could make true.

ARRRghHh

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 12:26:26 GMT

pant. pant. chinese new year is very tiring. travel travel, walk walk, talk talk.
rockafella. orientation games. Ki proposal, tutorial outlines, history CA, math tutorials,
too many things.

If i survive this week, I'm immortal.

Go back to work!